Tortoise Style

All this time I thought that I had just wasted 8 years of my life for health insurance and a matching 401K. Apparrently I am really climbing the ladder. Now, in addition to hallway monitoring, smelling my co-workers/hallmates wind as they pass behind me and the luxury of listenting to them talk about celebrities while they are at the printer I am (though only partially) in charge of turning off the lights in the storage room for other people. Not sure what kind of monetary increase this will yield but I'm sure it's in the high hundreds."Hundies" if you know what's up. If things continue to go this well I may be able to put the toilet seat down and pat dry the hands of people in the bathroom. The sky is the limit. Dare to dream. Lake house? Ski boat? Blacksmithing lessons? Check!
Visas en mon.

I'll Take Greek Tragedies That Begin With "O", Alec

I do not consider myself to be a Freudian. Lately I have been reading a good amount of Kurzweil and Dennet. Fascinating stuff. Neither are Psychiatrists by any stretch of the imagination though both deal with consciousness on heavy levels. Seriously, fuck Dualism. I recommend reading both of them. Study up. You may learn something that will help you get a job in a hallway working for some faceless, passionless corporation. Not this one. This hallway position is taken. I covet sitting here and smelling my hallmates farts as they walk past me to pick up their pictures at the printer from that crazy weekend in Fire Island that no one would understand unless they had been there. It was nuts. So nuts that your bowtie is about to start spinning around in circles as your bowler hat flies off of your head. Like Rip Taylor funny. Man you guys must have had three or four beers and only put on SPF 15. Boffo!
Freud spent 3 years as a resident physician in the famous Allgemeine Krankenhaus, a general hospital that was the medical center of Vienna. He rotated through a number of clinical services and spent 5 months in the psychiatry department headed by Theodor Meynert. Psychiatry at this time was static and descriptive. Then came the Oedipus theory.
There are forty or fifty of the image above patterned into the marble of our grand lobby. I have not spent any time at the Allgemeine Krankenhaus. I have never studied under Theodor Meynert. Regardless, I'm pretty sure that both the stoneworker of these pink-heavenly slabs and the architecht who chose him to glorify his entryway would be pretty excited to off Pops and climb back into Mommy's noo-noo.

Don't Walk Away and Leave Unsilent Notes.

I do not have much to say about this other that three cheers for everyone involved. Who would know that a suicide anniversary could bring out the best in people. The world is full of surprises.
http://www.gothamist.com/2007/05/30/school_graffiti.php
When will someone write you a letter that starts "Dear Political Graffiti Artist"?

Somebody Had A Dream

Saw this in the hallway on my way to the printer. Needless to say there is no shortage of straight, white males with MBAs running around the office.

"God Bless Us. Everyone"-Tiny Tim

So the promotion did not go through. Something about flies and vinegar and honey, but you know when you wake up after eleven winks because your girlfriend did not get home until seven in the morning because she passed out at her job and who the fuck are you the time keeper who controls the sun? and you get to ride your bike to the impound lot to pick up your car that you paid $917 U.S. dollars to get out of tow but you forgot your keys so you get to ride your bike home to see your sweet, sweet dove sleeping or at least in some state of unconsciousness and then ride your bike back to the impound lot and find out that they charged you for storage on each and every one of the days that they were closed and would not allow you pick up your car because, they were just hanging out with their malnourished, billy club-beaten pitbulls when you were there on Memorial day trying to pick the old ricketty auto up and you finally get to interact with the fem-spawns of dirty Hessians who are not suprised by your rancor and no matter how much you threaten action from your attorney and the mayor of New York City and the kidnapping of their first-born future food stamp collectors like you are some Rumpelstilskins, you know that you still are not going to get your Blue Book valued $300 U.S. dollar car back until you give the Hessian offspring another $90 U.S. dollars because they have heard all of this before from much more threatening people without James Dean haircuts and you are pretty sure that people could not possibly treat each other at all worse, or behave any more jejune, inane, narcissistic or just good old fashioned fucking stupidumb? If you had forgotten your means of creating fire in the 21st century and you wanted a cigarette because after you finally arrive to your job in the hallway after your 15 mile surprise morning bike ride and the thirteenth listening to Lazy Line Painter Jane just is somehow not quite getting you back into the real world and setting all straight as it generally can you would have to ask a stranger to put a flame onto the tip of your cigarette and then that stranger would see where you work because you just walked out of the building and he would want to be your buddy and he would, after asking if you worked in the building which he just saw you walk out of, inquire as to whether or not you could fulfill his dream of meeting Mick Jagger by the end of the summer before his internship is over and then you would tell him to meet the both of you for drinks at Applebee's at 6:30 and then you would go throw up around the corner while a middle school field trip on it's way to see the Wednesday matinee of the Lion King watches. You know? That was the best. Long live the bon vivants!

New Philosophies

Pardon my absence but I'm through with apologies. So things had gotten a little stagnant here in a hallway a few weeks back. I
had been having trouble grabbing Life by it's horns and just kicking it'sfucking ass in so I could take what is due to me in this crazy universe. Doyou think these guys had any problems like that? Exactly. Alex Van Halen and his full house are taking this big old, beautiful world and kicking it's fucking teeth right deep into it's gums. Tony God Damn Robbins style. I realized this when I was on the Peter Pan down to Des Moines*. Had to check the presses. Anywho, I saw this photo while I was peeking through the plush seats at the person in front of me's laptop and realized that I really needed to rethink my inks. Not the inks at the printing press. The inks of Life. They were'nt drying properly. So, I signed up for the Pantone of taking the shit charge of shit seminars. "SHAM" (Tony's Self-Help and Actualization Movement). I will have you know that it is no sham. Three weeks and fifteen thousand dollars later things have been actualized out the wazoo. I'm back in the hallway and I'm asking for a raise. I'll keep you losers posted. Take charge. *(if you ever find yourself in Des Moines the comfort in off the thruway has a great continental breakfast)

Keeping Your Kids Safe and Helping Old Ladies, Maybe?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3mw49mk_x0
Since job security has reached a fresh and exciting new low here in the hallway I have decided to explore some other avenues of the American work force. These guys seem to know what is up. It would be good to give back to the tax paying community. I do not like taking tests though and I think there is a tough one to get in with these's guys program. That and I'd have to wrap up the finishing touches on my time machine to the year 1982 (A.D). Anybody out there have top notch soldering skills? Things like this probably will not be much of an issue if I get in to the AFSCME.

The Cat Whisperer

We moved our cat's litter box. I think she would like us to relocate it elsewhere. I can tell these things. She has been reading a lot about semiotics as of late.

Fitness Buff

Well I am not sure if I am just doing a super job or if they just do not keep close tabs on the budget codes but I'm in the best shape of my life. Thanks to Deb in circulation for snapping this pic before I really worked up a sweat.

While Slippy Supplies Last

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/hsh/288003558.html
Anybody interested? Just trying to help some co-workers out. They could really use the cash. They have got a lot of buns in a lot of ovens if you catch my drift. Wink. Wink.

Still Life With Hedonism, 2007, Mixed Media Installation

Due to the unfortunate and savagely bottom line liberal dispersal of pink slips last week there is an abundance of personal possesions scattered about the office, the hallway and the conference room. It is all up for grabs. It is a free for all with trinkets, trash and tween novels scattered about. I came across these items. I'm working on building a still life to be rendered in found poster paint while on my (as of yet to arrive) treadmill. Can you guess which department these things came from? Not sure. I'll give you a hint. It starts with an "m" and it rhymes with "blarketing." That is not entirely fair. This stuff could have come from ad sales. With this bounty you can compare you life to those of LIbertineslavania and work on your orange glow without even heading to the salon. That compass will help you circumnavigate your way around Selfabsorbityville before docking your husband's floating Corvette at the Yacht Club. It is an inboard with a boom. Word from the crow's nest has arrived......Upper East Side AHOY! The plastic drop cloth is for the trunk of my car and yes YOU were Time's Person of The Year. Cudos.

Remnants of A Job Well Done

Some things go with you when you're leaving your office for the final time on your last day. Things like the six month old rainbow sprinkles and coconut shavings from your large cup of Pistachio/Rasperry swirl Tasti-D-Lite, your old plasic fork and your tampon with a half torn open wrapper; those stay. They remain in your desk drawer for the help to clean up after you. You've got a train to Westchester to catch and have switched over to those winged pads anyway.

Premonition

Last week an entire cranium of the three-headed hydra that I work for was decapitated. The big boss man from way up on high galloped on in like Icabod's nemesis and axed forty five or so people and one entire entity. They chose the wrong day to misplace their talismans that protect them from the horseman. This deft coup de grace was rewarded with what has been called a "wildly unimpressive class A stock mini-bounce after the bloodletting." Hey, we all know what happened earlier this week. The ice in the hallway has never been thinner. I think I can see tadpoles. Maybe that was a bull shark. Could be curtains on this old hallway monitor. I vow to ride this painted pony with my sache proudly displayed on my journey into the bottom of the ocean or into the mud below. Carpe Diem. Or maybe Vaya con Dios.

Paid By the Hour

I have heard that in radio journalism, students are often taught that a good opening question to pose to an interviewee is "What did you have for breakfast?" It is an easy way to get an answer to test your sound levels. If I was being interviewed today my answer would be: hashish brownies. It is not getting any easier to get out of bed and report here for hallway duty. I believe I need money though. Or is it that "All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."? Yeah. Yeah, man. Yeah. Can you hear that? THAT'S MY SKULL! I'm pretty busy again today. I had to cull together images of Jeff Spicoli from the internet and make this. See man? Seeeee. I'm working at a grueling pace like moving along the Oregon Trail. Dark Side of the Moon is such a sick album. Wait. What was that!? Shit! I think they know.........

A Pace for Everything and Everything in its Pace

I'm actually busy today. In the way that people are asking me to work on projects that have deadlines and I have to move my mouse around and punch the keypad on my keyboard to get these "priorities" accomplished. I could not resist putting it all off for another half hour to learn how to Paint, Exercise and Make a Sushi Gingerbread House.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qup74Dv8Wds
That's sardine sushi. I enjoyed the trippy trails on the hop-a-long "Treadmill of Life." I can not wait for my own treadmill to arrive here in the hallway. I'm going to expense it under the premise that i will save the company money on my health insurance subsidies.
In the HouUUUUUUSE!

Fuck Meow Mix!

Unlike Mephistopeles, this feline has quite a distinguished palette. More fuel for the fire of Donald Rumsfeld's belief that Calico cats work the Devil's business. You can hear this little lady meowing "your mother sucks cocks in Hell." Spooky.

Did Some More Decorating

Wish I still had that black and white printer. Had to waste some of the color toner to print this out for my cubicle. How about this hail and sleet? What a day!

AhFONGOOL BITCHES! (Best Wrong Number Ever)

I do not like Andrew Dice Clay. Neither does someone who's phone number is 814-414-5619. I am not so sure what area code that is in but a quick gooooogling should put me in the know. Most likely it's in one of those God-y states. What up Jesus? I'm fine, thank you for asking. How is the tooth fairy? I always imagined, sexy. That's probably because I still had some baby teeth through the early years of high school. I don't get many right numbers here in the hallway. Not too many people need to call me here in regards to my busy business and their goings on. Most of the wrong numbers that i get are able to decifer that they have not reached he with whom they had intended to speak and politely hang up if I am not here to inform them of there simple innacuracy of their button pushing ways. Not last night. I typed in my mailbox and my mailbox code and was informed that old area code 814 was "fucking irate". I had "put a has-been fucking drug addict loser on television." Said loser being Andrew "the Diceman" Clay. In case you missed "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane" you can reference the stylish photo above. Having put this junkie onto the telvision program that i apparently own and run, i have "offended the lord, and the fucking religious beliefs" of 814. Well I don't know what religion they practice out there but I hope it is not as misogynistic as this "fucking guy who's been out since 1992". I hope it is not as homophobic either. Allah and JC sure are still IN in the 07. Just look at any newspaper. Fucking IN. I'm sure my caller would be able to explain his "fucking religious beliefs" better if he had called back. So, I paid "this fucking faggot so he could get some more coke and be funny for another hour." Well he's giving Andrew more credit than I can! I have never heard him be funny. That coke-fueled God insulting hour must have been pretty good. God bless Danny. He ended it with a pretty sweet "call me back if you like. i don't care. great." It sounded like he was going to go and kill himself but that's for sinners and let he who cast the first stone......wait, I guess that would be me.
Why don't you call him? I may when I get home. Maybe from a pay phone. The only thing stopping me is that I agree that Andrew Dice Clay is indeed a fucking douchebag. Just not as much of a douchebag as someone telling me to die first thing in the morning. If any of you out there enjoy Andy Clay or Howard or Jackie the Joke man or whomever.....814-414-5619 is dying to share. Not to be confused with 857-5309. That one is for a good time.

Life in the Slow Lane/ "Hey, Yo, Fuck Santa Monica"

So, things have been a little slow here in the hallway. Well, i dropped my eggs and hashbrowns all over the place a moment ago. That happened quickly. I did not have my camera to show you how well I rubbed it in to the carpet here in the hallway. Other than that. Not a much. Zilch. Zip. That being the case here in my well travelled work-home I have been spending a lot of time on the internet, the informational super-highway, the web and the net. This bald man has taught me how to paint, exercise and make blended drinks. Put this in your browser and smoke it....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvbL_5rH1QQ
Yeah, All of them all at once. No big whoop. Multi-tasking is the way to go in the 0oooo-Ah-Seven.
His callers have taught me how to "Fuck" "MS Gang", "Santa Monica" and even "White People". As a whole I guess.
Pretty motivational. Inspiring. "More blended drinks" has found its way into the suggestion box on a yellow post-it. "More treadmills" will be tomorrow's entry but I won't expect much to come of that seeing as they are quite expensive even on the e-bay.

Eavesdropping, Not Flattery, Will Get You Everywhere

I overheard this while walking down the hallway back to my station. "The only chain restaurant I like.....is Chilis." Let's alert Zagat. It should be rated on flair alone. We used to have a group outing we called "Shit Date." We would go to Chilis and then see a movie like Resident Evil, or Tomb Raider 2 or something with Will Ferrell. Snakes on a Plane was debated. So was Basic Instinct 2. All pictures on par with the honey mustard and cobb salad. Chili's was the only establishment suitable for the moniker. Next time my co-worker should "dip-in" and join us for a "Party Platter". Yeah, I already downloaded the menu. Don't sweat it even though it is "spicealicious." Sounds like she loves her "babyback, babyback, backback"........

Under Siege

For the most part, here, in the hallway, things have been under relentless attack, boy-manned by pre-teen Visogoths. So it was none the surprise when this turned up further downward the hallway path over yonder downhall. It is mine. I'm having much success fending off thier flaming arrows. It is precious

Speaking of the Dark Prince

The view from the unoccupied corner office that holds a bunch of cardboard boxes looked like something out of one of the nine planes of hell this evening.

I want chicken i want liver.

The lady down the hall from me has a photo of her cat in her cubicle. If he was mine i would name him Mephistopheles. I think his name is Horatio.

Tossing out the Tarot

I found this magical 8 ball in the fax room here in the office. It only gives bad advice and it is basically impossible to read. Here it says "circumstances unfavorable". I had asked it if I was going to get the corner office. One says "miserably correct" and another reads "As I see it, grim." I have been taking its advice. I also found this book that someone had left on my desk. It is an amazing cliffhanger. The title speaks of the truth.

Lunch Break

then i took lunch.
I'm on a new diet.
It's pretty strict. It's just Sambvka and Godiva chocolats. It's called the Hollywood Madam and it's huge in Miami. It is yummy and it is delicious while making you and your essence feel great.

Did Some Decorating

Just trying to spruce the place up a bit.

Welcome to the neighborhood you, you new neighbor, you.

I walked into the hallway to find this guy. It was good timing. He was just being set up. It did not take much time or thought to come up with the moniker to slap onto the nametag of this cilindrical brody. Welcome to the neighborhood. Sorry, no. You will not be finding your black and white print outs here. Help yourself to one of these Godiva chocolats! Sorry, I'm hoarding the Sambuka. The sign at his feet would not fit in the frame. It reads: "There must have been some magic in that old top hat they found....." Seriously. They found something, regardless. By the way, "Peace". Please stop reading over my shoulder in those Vuarnets. Sorry. No. I did not realize that they are Revos. Nice. No, pardon.....excellent.

Red Light Down White Light UP

I just got some soup at the cafeteria. When i was leaving I got in an elevator going down to the lobby. A woman got in the elevator with me. She meant to be going up. She was upset. "It's not a long ride" I assured her. "Yeah, but i"m going to have to see people" she said. "They're the worst" I replied. While true, this statement is pretty humourless. She laughed though. Then she looked at me really interestingly and kind of stopped smiling.

Well we're moving on up to the East side

I forgot to mention that we hired a temp. That is short for temporary. She was stuffing T-shirts into envelopes and then addressing them. She was doing her work in the corner office. I bet she did not even know that she had "arrived", let alone
realize that she had earned the big promotion. It was a long time coming. Time sheets are delivered to the thirty fifth floor and yes you can probably take your resume off of monster now. Patience. Climb the ladder. LOOK AT THAT RIVER!

I don't want any damn tru-coat. I've said it many times.

It all started with this string of emails yesterday. Maybe she's in a storage room. Maybe she's in a warehouse. Maybe she's on canal street. Anywhoo.....The black and white printer that was taking up the entire area of my desk has now up and gone missing. There are a few people who have some emails that they would like to print out in black and white. Today the tension and anxiety as to her whereabouts; it escalated. I'm not sure if I have ever had to use the phrase "well then i guess you're a fucking liar" before today. If so, not many times. Chet the technical wiz kid from information technology showed up today. At first i was not included in the conversation. I was on the telephone with another wrong number from someone who was looking to pitch a television show to one of our parent companies. I bet whomever it is that he wishes to speak with does not sit at a desk in the hallway. If they did, they probably wouldn't be disguising and listing their phone number as mine. Unfortunately for all parties involved, I did not have the oportunity to option a pilot for this gentleman so I excused myself from the conversation and chimed in to the one behind me. Chet was speaking to some of the ladies with whom I work. He was telling them that he did not know where the printer was. Then he was telling them that I had told him to throw it out. This was not a true statment and I felt that I should address it. Then he said that it was Courtney who told him to throw it out. Courtney was not present in the conversation. Courtney was not in the office at all, so she was unable to defend her good word or her honor. She was out sick. According to Chet she was not sick when she told him to discard the printer. I doubt that Courtney told Chet to throw the black and white printer out. Basically, it was a pretty good move by our Chet. I did not know that he was such a scholar of Tort's. Voila l'etudiant! Eventually he left and vowed to get to the bottom of this problem that we had created. Chet is good for a solid. The place would pretty much fall apart without him.